I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
