i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
