he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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