i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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