Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The adults are the big ones right?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
