dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
