Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
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Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
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I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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