Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Holy shit dude........stairs
I'm always down for nudity.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
