The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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