Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Fuck appropriateness.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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