Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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