I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
It's never too late to be topless.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
