My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
