she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
BRING THE BAGELS
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
