dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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