Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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