I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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