1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
you mean i was at the winter classic?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
