I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
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Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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