cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
