At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
