Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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