one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I need water and some morals
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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