My friends, they love my intelligence
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
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