I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
