I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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