Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
