Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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