You made me cry and you don't even care
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
