I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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