Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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