I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
