I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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