none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
sarcasm needs its own font
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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