Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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