Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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