sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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