dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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