While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize