my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Randomize
