i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
