I think im going to throw up on grandma
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
