Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
