did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
