Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
