im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
