well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
