Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
