I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
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