Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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