Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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