Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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