I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
