I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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