Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
