did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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