1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
she peed on how many people?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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