More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Randomize
