i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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